February 2012
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casual friday afternoon ramble
I borrowed an expression from the 2002 movie Slackers starring Devon Sawa in an email to a coworker. There is this part when Jason Schwartzman says, “She is a lovely girl with a pure heart. Don’t taint her with your octopus ink!”
Basically, a coworker saw an email I’d written in which I was writing transcripts of the loud women (code names: Hamlet and Bangs) talking about...
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crime shows, my life, & why i might be a loon
The thing is, I watch too many crime shows. I know I watch too many when I’ll slip into a marathon and then look around and realize that I have spent six hours consumed by serial killers. I’m looking at you, Criminal Minds. I’ll realize that I’ve missed a meal, and that it’s dark now, but it’s not enough to make me stop. I know that I watch too many crime shows because whenever I am alone I think...
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“As my late grandpa would say post- stroke ‘gotta be gotta be’
That...”
– yrfriendliz, on “just doing you.”
Sometimes I wonder about you, Internet.
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minty mitts
You know the day might be a struggle when you go to wash your hands and you pour toothpaste in your hands instead of soap.
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a lenten post
Once when we were kids, my brother gave up chewy chocolate chip granola bars, because he loved them very much. It was a treasured school snack of his. Anyway, Pauliepants took the sacrifice so seriously that year that he never went back to them after lent. He just gave up chewy chocolate chip granola bars, for life. I’m not sure if it had anything to do with a religious awakening; he was...
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laughing in the bathroom
You know how sometimes you think of something funny and you start cracking up about it, but the people around you don’t have the context so it’s awkward?
Well, it’s much more awkward when it happens when you’re in a bathroom stall and someone is washing their hands and then that makes you laugh even more because you’re imagining what you would do if you heard a...
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Shania Twain’s “Still the One” is inexplicably playing on a loop in my brain.
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update from crazytown
So, after waiting for an hour and a half in my building lobby, my super finally came in after I called and got an earful from her husband saying, we don’t open the office until 9. We don’t wake up until 8:30, so don’t bother calling us before 9. He’s a real charmer.
Anyway: My super was a little mad because she was working before 8:30 but she contacted my neighbor (calling...
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How Your Cat Is Making You Crazy - The Atlantic →
Leaving this here in case you own a cat and need something to worry about.
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an email from my brother paul
i can’t get whitney houston songs out of my head. i’m trying to go about my day and then i ask myself, “how will i know?” i don’t know if this means i secretly am a huge fan of adult contemporary. i’m thinking all those trips into the dentist listening to magic 106.7 lodged an unexpected love for whitney houston that i’ve somehow managed to suppress for...
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but i wanted candy in my breakfast
I got a muffin at the company cafeteria and it was labeled chocolate chip but when I bit into it, it was blueberry, and I was like, ugh, fruit/ I didn’t ask for this.
and then I ate the rest of it.
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advertisements; sleep more
When I was dropping Briggs off at doggie daycare, I was behind a bus that was advertising its route to Denver International Airport. There was a smiley woman on it and It said:
The easiest way to DIA!
Naturally I read that as “The easiest way to DIE!” and I was like, that’s disconcerting. Why is she smiling? What is this an ad for? Is this a joke? And then I was like, ohhhh,...
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productivity; caffeine pill freakouts
You know in Empire Records when Liv Tyler was so productive and Renee Zellweger was all, “how do you do this?” and she was like “there are twenty-four usable hours in a day!” and handed her cupcakes for Rex Manning day? Well. I have a lot to do. And I was thinking about that philosophy, and I was like, yes, there are twenty-four usable hours in a day.
And then I remembered that Liv Tyler’s...
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while i was getting ben & jerry's
at the JetBlue terminal at JFK, a squirmy and nervous teenager came over to ask me for my autograph. I asked her who she thought I was and she said, “Twilight! You’re from Twilight!” And I said that I wasn’t and she said, “are you sure?” like I wouldn’t know if I was from Twilight or not. She looked really disappointed and then I ate some mint chocolate...
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feelin' massachusetts
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this is home
I used to listen to Sheryl Crow a lot when I was younger. I celebrated her 1996 release through the end of middle school and beginning of high school. Don’t think too much of it; I was also a big fan of Nirvana and Pearl Jam and also that Mariah Carey unplugged album. Also Amy Grant. Suspiciously into the Lemonheads and Juliana Hatfield. Then shifted pretty heavily into jam bands in 2000. So...
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and now
that the Patriots have lost and we’re feeling sad, Briggs and I are drinking pinot grigio and watching LOST. And of course when I say Briggs and I, I mean that I am drinking pinot grigio and watching LOST and Briggs is keeping me company and making me feel like I’m making the right choice.
But here is a picture of me and my brother from a different Super Bowl we lost, in 1985. Still...
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snow
Listen people, it clearly wasn’t the SNOWPOCALYPSE as everyone was suggesting and freaking out about (seriously, buying provisions akin to what one might need for a bomb shelter is a little over-the-top for a foot of snow. This is Colorado, right? You guys live here, right?).
But there is enough snow to allow me to work from home hibernate, and that makes me happy. Panda suit, let’s...
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ghost adventures: cubicle edition
So everyone in my department is in a meeting until 11 AM today, and I am not in the meeting because I am a contractor, and don’t need to go to those meetings.
Anyway.
It’s just me over here, in these cubes, and I am hearing PHANTOM TYPING. I have walked these cubes numerous times, and no one is here. Is there a ghost here? And is this the saddest ghost ever? If you could haunt any...
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very important thoughts
You know how small pizzas are called “personal pizzas,” so it is like I AM EATING MY OWN PIZZA and IT IS PERSONAL? I wonder what it would be like if cupcakes were instead called “personal cakes.” Because that’s really what they are. They’re just smaller sized cakes. Maybe it would toughen cupcakes up a bit. I just know that there is a different feeling when I say “I ate two cupcakes today,” and “I...
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here's something
I used to get so excited and nervous about Santa Claus when I was little that I would throw up on Christmas Eve every year.
This is not topical or timely—it’s February today!—but it is a fact about me. It is a fact.
January 2012
53 posts
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when you make baked goods
and then you’re like, okay maybe I don’t need all of these. Maybe I should bring some in to work. But then you’re like, there aren’t enough left for the whole department. It wouldn’t be fair if a few people went without a cupcake. Welp. I guess I will eat ALL OF THESE.
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colorado fashunz
Attn: Ladies of Colorado
Just because it is over 60 degrees in January does NOT mean that capri pants are appropriate today. Furthermore, are capri pants ever business casual? I’m looking at you, lady with pink pastel cargo capris. I’m seeing a lot of ankle and calf regions that have clearly been hibernating for most of winter, and they don’t look like they’re ready to be...
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rear view
At stoplights, my mother would look into the rearview and try to pluck a hair from under her chin with her fingertips. But it just looked like she was plucking at her skin. I couldn’t understand it. And I only remember this from a few times, when I was in the backseat. But, the pulling of skin, it sticks.
What are you doing? I’d question. Stop it. She didn’t. She also had, still...
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I didn't watch Lost when it was on TV
And I didn’t watch it when it was over.
But now that it is all on Netflix?
I watched 7 episodes just today.
So.
Later, life. You’ve got a “new” show to consume you.
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hey guys, hey.
So I guess today is the day when the construction guys are going to attack the area behind me. I didn’t even know this was a thing that was going to happen. Questions/concerns: Why take down cubicles just to put them back up again in the same place? Why kick stuff, guys? Why swear about leaving your screwdriver just out of your reach? And swear when you drop said screwdriver? Do you not see...
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May or may not have just cried at the end of a Law & Order SVU when ICE-T found a lost child and returned her to her mother.
Maybe it’s just time to go to bed.
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thin mints are running through my veins
Girl Scout cookie season is hard to avoid when you work in an office where seemingly everyone has a daughter in Girl Scouts and decides to do their work for them by bringing the forms into the office. The Girl Scouts and their delicious cookies are ruining my 2012.